I didn’t know I was going to love you this long. You were supposed to be just a fling, a bit of summer fun. But as the weather cooled, I found myself dreaming of your eyes. Your laughter fills up the dusty corners of my brain, like a thick fog. You coat every waking moment. Your dark features bring my life brightness. When you are near me I cannot help but want to touch you. I reach out just long enough to graze your hand, but you do not seem to notice. She does though. I know she can see it in my cheeks. She’s never said a word, not to me anyway. She’s a better woman than I. But then again she does get to fall asleep in your arms at night, so maybe she is just aware she won. You love her, we all can see it. How I wished it was me, all the while knowing it never would be. I knew from the first night, we would never be more than this. We aren’t even friends, I couldn’t say for certain what it is you do for a living. You never even told me your middle name, how foolish of me to claim I love you when I barely even know you.

“From the moment I saw you, something shifted. Logic faded, and a certainty took hold—I knew I was going to fall in love with you. You are everything I’ve ever looked for, and somehow, everything I never knew I needed. Our connection defies reason, yet it feels more real than anything I’ve ever known. With you, I promise to embrace the unexpected, to cherish the chemistry that binds us, and to always find joy in the unique bond we share.”

The moment I opened the doors to that Bob Evans, my stomach has only known butterflies, my heart has never known anything except your name.

There was something so comforting and warm at the way that you smiled at me. You were so vulnerable and opened up about the fact that when you are stressed and anxious you pick at your nails especially your thumbnail and both of your thumbnails are so damaged that they have a permanent divot down the middle of them. I remember taking your hand in my hand, gently kissing it and telling you it’s gonna be OK; because one day your anxiety will stop. I know you didn’t believe me. I’ve tried everything I could possibly do from that moment on to make your life easier and yet every moment of my life that has had you in it has been difficult. You didn’t belong to me. I knew that but at the same time I didn’t realize that you had belonged to someone else. You lied and deceived me. You broke my heart, shattered my trust and made me look and feel like a fool all because you wanted to have your cake and eat it too. Now that I know that there was never going to be an us, I look back on all of our interactions and wonder was any other actually true? Were you lying to me from the moment we sat down on our first date or did something happen after we met. Were you hiding me and her from each other? I’m certain that you did not want us to find out about one another because how could you you wanted to keep us separate so that both of us could serve you in different ways? Your heart was never going to be mine just your body and even then, you gave me that so sparingly then all I’ve ever done is think about it. I have been starved for your affection since the moment we started talking. I wanted it to be you so badly that no matter what I did or said I would say and do anything just to keep you. Even if you didn’t wanna be kept, not by me anyway. Oh she must be really special if you’re going to marry her, but I hope that she knows how special you are too and how extraordinary your life truly is. Just how wonderful your heart is and how kind, compassionate, and loving you truly are. I hope that every moment she is with you, she cherishes you like the precious gem you’ve always been to me. I hope that when you lay down with her at night she holds you with the softness I know that you crave. That she kisses your tender lips with the passion that you bring out in those around you and I hope that she holds your heart so close to her that there is nothing that could ever break it again.

You haven’t been here in so long.

Time is moving at a snails pace yet the year is almost over again.

Starting this year with goodbye was not the promised fresh start I needed.

Feeling so empty without you was a feeling I could never imagine.

Your warmth, your love- the way I need it more than ever.

Always warming me from the inside out,
smooth like silk when you run your fingers across my skin.

There’s a richness to the tone of your voice when you’re still half asleep,
to this day, I have never heard a sound so sweet.

I have always craved that from you.
I drink you in like you were the only thing keeping me awake.

I smile knowing you are on the other side of the bed,
just a few inches away.

I feel you retreat from the warmth of our covers,
the springs creak your name,
begging your return.

But you don’t listen,
you can’t hear my bones and how they ache for your embrace again.

We spent last night in shadow,
silence crawling all around our heads,
I feel you pressing bruises into my skin;
a reminder you wanted to be there.

Each morning, when the sun peeks over the trees;
I watch the golden light seep across your shoulders,
caressing your face just long enough to make you glitter.

What am I supposed to do now?
If I stay here, you will always get up to leave me when mornings become too real;
but if I leave you,

you’re not going to come after me.

You never liked coffee,
even if I brought it to you in bed.

The first time someone asked me if I missed you, I didn’t say yes. I hadn’t been lying, I didn’t miss you. I only longed for parts of you, not the whole thing.

Like, your arm. Not both, just one. The one that fit so perfectly under my neck at night. The one that coiled around my shoulder like a snake, holding me in place.

Your love was less like a hug, and more of a vice. When you held me, it felt soft. Your grip was strong, but it felt as if I could shatter if I tried to break loose.

In the end though, I didn’t shatter. I burst into an urgent flame, the heat from my chest sears off parts of you I had wanted to keep.

We loved like a heat wave; warm, but suffocating.

I hadn’t meant for our love to look like this. We turned in on ourselves like crumpled bits of paper.

There hasn’t been one part of me since, that has reallly wanted to turn around. I knew that last day, I had to leave you behind me. The last time I saw you, I knew I had made the right choice. You had turned yourself into a match head, waiting to strike yourself on a rock, just to burst out in flames like you had done when you ignited me the first time.

But I’ve long since snuffed that fire out of my veins. I am not made of fire anymore, just ashes and charred flesh.

I’ve always enjoyed the smell of gasoline in the air, like a scent to remind me to come back home.

Slowly, I had been cleaning my burned soul, cleansing the tarnished walls that still stood.

It’s been years now, since we held one another. Last night though, I thought about you. About how you had been the first person to light the match in my head, and the last one to notice I was on fire.

I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind,
you’re standing there,
holding a green bottle above your head.

I’m not even sure why I always see this image of you,
I can’t even remember what the circumstance was.
It’s just there; like a still photo.

I can’t get over that,
when I remember what happened,
when I remember how you left,
everything we had said,
set in stone,
on the tip of your tongue.

We had it all,
you and I;
headed straight to the top,
but we never reached the summit.

You told me once about how,
when you were small,
you were followed by those ghosts,
those demons were closing in on you.

Just like you, I was fighting for my own freedom. But you just wouldn’t let me go.

I don’t even know where to begin, I hadn’t even known you for very long, until you crashed into my universe and created this black hole of empty;

claiming you would save me from the darkness that was clawing around the edges of my eyes.

But we ended up sharing a silence,
and it swallowed me up and spat me out all alone.

Maybe I should have known better,
you did warn me after all.

I’m afraid you taught me some good lessons.

I don’t believe in anything anymore,
I’m not dependant on the people around me anymore though, so that’s good I guess.

But don’t forget to remember my name,
because oh baby,
I’m going to come back to haunt you.

Keep your eyes open.

Those who came before me,
the ones I never knew.

Folks who walked this very path,
tripped upon the same cobblestones and divets,
those were ‘The Good ‘Ol Days Of Glory’,
when nights knew no hum of man made wrath.

I wish I had come before my time,
to meet those whom passed long before.
I’d sit cross legged, paying them mind,
as their feet trapsed across wooden floors.

Those who came before me,
the ones I never knew.

Those sweet and brave,
your memories I have saved,
written in ink, or frozen in photo.

The silence now enraptures you,
with such a sweet caress,
I only long to meet with you.

But I cannot, so I digress.

Those who came before me,
the ones I never knew;
please do not think we have forgotten you.

I carry your blood in my veins,
your legacy, still attached to my name.

Learning to write our names is one of the first things we’re taught in school.
they tell us to always capitalize each first letter, never misspell it, and always dot your i’s and cross your t’s. every time.

But have you ever wondered what they were really asking us to learn?

Capitalize each first letter: make sure everyone knows you’re important. don’t let anyone turn you from a noun, into an object.
spell it correctly: never let someone try to change you into something else. never let your name be transformed into something easier to say. you were given that name for a reason. don’t let anyone take that from you.

Always dot your i’s and cross your t’s: always finish what you started, and do so with finesse and purpose.

Make it clear to read: never allow someone to make you feel invisible.

The air whistling through these mountains feel like home;
with its soft morning light,
rolling hills within my sight.

No matter where I roam;
they keep me safe
throughout the night.

The wind brings with it a peace,
almost like a baby bird taking it’s first timid flight.
twisting trails and small paths,
hide secrets of the past.

My soul stays here while i travel on.